Sunday, August 23, 2015

The Concept of Time

I remember my mother complaining that I had "no concept of time". I don't know what age I was exactly but I have a feeling it was about middle school when all I wanted to do was read books and didn't care if trading just one more chapter made me late or meant I was up til 3 am.

And now I am afraid that I am too conscious of time and what the hours on the clock and days on the calendar mean. Conscious to the point that an alteration to carefully planned days and sequences of events are sending me into a black hole of anxiety that will ruin even the most perfectly continued days. When 12 becomes 1 in my plan and then 1 becomes 2 and before I know it, nothing happened at the time I planned it to and everything has been ruined.

I think I can blame being a mother of a newborn, when schedules can make life easier and baby's needs are predictable depending on what time it is. My days revolve around feeding and pumping and while I'm not shy about feeding my baby whenever and wherever, it still takes planning to make things run smoothly.

One of the biggest shocks in having another kid has been the absence of quick trips and unplanned days. I got really good at deciding to go somewhere on a whim with my three year old in tow. Now it's not as realistic to believe we can be lounging on the couch one minute and halfway to our destination in another minute.

It feels like every minute, or at least every 15 minutes, counts. When there are so many things I want to do and so many things I need to do, it's hard to be ok when the plan goes awry. It's hard to just say "well, I'll be a little late now". I have no doubt that it's mostly me that holds my family to a standard of punctuality but in my mind I've not only ruined my day but someone else's because I couldn't just stick to the plan. And that bothers me immensely. The thought of inconveniencing someone because I'm late is just so bothersome that even if they assure me it's fine, I can't convince myself that it is.

So, the concept of time. I would love to have one more day without the concept of time. Maybe it's not so hard to forget about the have-to's. Maybe I should reconsider the things that I "want" to do that are actually stressing me out and just do what I want to do.

Time to stop writing, now. The clock says bedtime. 3 am feelings come too fast.

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