Today marks one year since knowing I was pregnant with Nova. A year ago today I went pumpkin and apple picking with me family, and it suddenly dawned on me that it wasn't just an off couple of days. With both of my pregnancies I have just known. I can never understand those women who "didn't know" they were pregnant, because it completely changes you. Suddenly a headache isn't just a headache, queasy isn't just queasy, and nothing is the same as it was.
My pregnancy with Nova was 90% amazing. (90 because those first few months and last two weeks are just not cool no matter how easy your pregnancy was.) I don't like being all "woo-woo" but it honestly awakened a spiritual part of me that I never thought I had. It made me kinder to myself and think more deeply about the way my body and mind work. I can attribute some of these feelings to my newfound love for yoga and towards the end, the use of essential oils here and there.
Before Nova, I would have ideally waited at least 5 more years to consider having another baby, just because of my age and the stage of life I'm in. But does life unfold without asking what your plans are? Absolutely. And I wouldn't change that, ever. Both of my babies have come to me at a time when I felt like couldn't be worse. And it happened to be that amazing things have come from their existence that I'm not sure would have presented themselves otherwise.
Nova's purpose in my life still has a little mystery to it but I can say with certainty that she has changed me for the better already. And she has given me a second chance at mothering the way I knew I was meant for- confidently and with eyes much more open to what motherhood really is. She gave me my "natural" birth (natural in quotes because it was as natural as I could have done) and helped me see that I could perform the craziest, most amazing and ultimate task of birthing a human the way it's supposed to happen. I'm still on a high from that I think.
And as of 2 days ago, my girl is 4 months old. Her sweet little face melts my heart every second I'm with her. I'm so happy to be her mom, but also so afraid that I won't be able to mold her into the woman she needs to be. Even at 4 months I'm becoming more and more conscious of what it means to mother a girl, and what kinds of ideals I need to establish within myself right now in preparation for an older Nova. That's the case with both of my kids, but especially her. I guess I know what it's like being a woman and going through the horror that is the teenage years and, as any mother does, I want it to be better for her than it was for me. I already see myself in her and am a little afraid for her.
Happy 4 months, Nova girl. You are so special to me.
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