Playing in the rain

Julian, 3 years and 3 months. He's my sour patch kid, the funniest person I know and the only person in this world that can make me cry of frustration and then cry of laughter 5 minutes later. He's scary smart, and I am thankful for him every single day. But mostly when he's asleep and I have a minute to myself because he doesn't give you that kind of time while he's awake.

A year of Nova

Today marks one year since knowing I was pregnant with Nova. A year ago today I went pumpkin and apple picking with me family, and it suddenly dawned on me that it wasn't just an off couple of days. With both of my pregnancies I have just known. I can never understand those women who "didn't know" they were pregnant, because it completely changes you. Suddenly a headache isn't just a headache, queasy isn't just queasy, and nothing is the same as it was.

My pregnancy with Nova was 90% amazing. (90 because those first few months and last two weeks are just not cool no matter how easy your pregnancy was.) I don't like being all "woo-woo" but it honestly awakened a spiritual part of me that I never thought I had. It made me kinder to myself and think more deeply about the way my body and mind work. I can attribute some of these feelings to my newfound love for yoga and towards the end, the use of essential oils here and there.

Before Nova, I would have ideally waited at least 5 more years to consider having another baby, just because of my age and the stage of life I'm in. But does life unfold without asking what your plans are? Absolutely. And I wouldn't change that, ever. Both of my babies have come to me at a time when I felt like couldn't be worse. And it happened to be that amazing things have come from their existence that I'm not sure would have presented themselves otherwise.

Nova's purpose in my life still has a little mystery to it but I can say with certainty that she has changed me for the better already. And she has given me a second chance at mothering the way I knew I was meant for- confidently and with eyes much more open to what motherhood really is. She gave me my "natural" birth (natural in quotes because it was as natural as I could have done) and helped me see that I could perform the craziest, most amazing and ultimate task of birthing a human the way it's supposed to happen. I'm still on a high from that I think.

And as of 2 days ago, my girl is 4 months old. Her sweet little face melts my heart every second I'm with her. I'm so happy to be her mom, but also so afraid that I won't be able to mold her into the woman she needs to be. Even at 4 months I'm becoming more and more conscious of what it means to mother a girl, and what kinds of ideals I need to establish within myself right now in preparation for an older Nova. That's the case with both of my kids, but especially her. I guess I know what it's like being a woman and going through the horror that is the teenage years and, as any mother does, I want it to be better for her than it was for me. I already see myself in her and am a little afraid for her.

Happy 4 months, Nova girl. You are so special to me.

About making pretty things and figuring yourself out

The title of this post is stupid but it's the only relevant thing I could think of. I almost called it "I don't have a title for this post" but that just sounds lazy. So instead I got real and told you exactly what you'll read about.

Last October I stopped blogging. I felt like crap (babies in utero do that) and felt like if the biggest thing happening in my life couldn't be shared online, nothing else could be either. I rarely posted on social media, I didn't even want to design for people anymore. Then I shared our news and felt better. I wanted to post more, I even wanted to get back to blogging but didn't want to be "that" blogger that just posts bump updates. I couldn't promise anything. And even though I felt pretty amazing physically and mentally, I didn't have the energy to make pretty things or explore creatively. I dragged my feet on every freelance project that came my way because at the end of a full day of creating at Image Agent, the last thing I wanted to do was look at the #5D5D5D colored screen. (Design people, do you see what I did there?)

Fast forward to now, and I'm busy busy with the exact kind of freelance work that I always secretly wanted to do. I even tweeted a few months ago about wanting to make pretty wedding invitations all day long. Well it's happening slowly but surely! I love my job at Image Agent (stay tuned for new things happening there) and might just work there until I die, but it's really fufilling to make the things I really want to be making. After putting a ton of energy into my clients and projects there all day and taking care of Julian and Nova (and our always messy house) when I get home, it's fun for me to put my energy into something that doesn't need a ton of love and attention and is all my own. I can do it when I feel like it-mostly- and it can end any time I don't have the time or energy. It can be as big or small as I have time for, and (bonus!) I can make a little extra money. Now if only I would start charging what I'm worth (eek!!).

It's scary to jump into something you love doing when it feels like everyone is doing it these days. It's so easy to look at someone and say "well, they're not realllly a ______" or "well she hasn't been doing it as long as me" or "she doesn't have ______ for her business so it's not a business". I know it because I've said those things in my head about other people and it's just not ok. So I figure if I'm saying it, then so is someone else and they might say it about me. So as I grow and learn about my passions I'm taking it slow, staying on the DL a little bit, but when someone asks me about my work I'm owning it and saying "Yes! I do that!". Does that make sense? I guess a balance of modesty and confidence is what I'm going for. Every time someone says "I didn't know you did this- you're great!" I gain a little more confidence to share it. Also, Instagram likes are fun.

Moving on to "figuring yourself out". It's fun, it's happening, and it's important. No just for moms but especially for moms. My whole life is thinking about what to buy them, do with them, do for them. I forget what I want to do with myself (besides take my sleepy, currenty twitchy eyes up to bed) and for myself. I don't want to be one of those middle aged moms who feels like they never got to follow their dreams and see where it lead them. I've re-sized my dreams to be realistic but they're nonetheless exciting and fun.

So hey, HIRE ME. Trust me to make pretty things for you, or if you don't need invitations or a photo shoot, be my cheerleader (Omi voice).

Nova at 3 Months

Nova is three months old today. I can't believe I've managed to do this motherhood of two thing for 3 whole months. I would have to say it's been pretty challenging- some days more so than others. But at the end of the day I think it's Nova that ends up being the easy part, the calm part, the sweetest part. Being a mom of a 3 year old is no joke. Working damn near full time when you add up my freelance gigs is no joke. Staying in a good mental state is no joke. It seems like being a mom to my sweet girl is the easy part. She makes it easy to love her, I'll say that!

At 3 months she's still not doing a heck of a lot. But she's smiling and "talking", happy when she's awake, nursing like a champ, such a little pudge-a-mudge, and is so so strong! I love being able to carry her with one arm and usually her head stays stable.

Since the painful days of nursing have been left behind (finally. Thank god. Fingers crossed) I have to say we have definitely hit our stride and I feel really confident about it. I wish I could build more of a stash but she's eating almost just as frequently as she always has so there's just no opportunity for that. But I'm no good at pumping so it's probably just as well. If I went somewhere and left her with bottles I would totally forget to pump. Where would I go, anyways? It's so easy taking a 3 month old everywhere!

Julian is such a sweet big brother. He's not overbearing when it comes to loving and helping with her, he doesn't seem to mind when she cries- he usually just says "baby's crying!" As if we couldn't hear- and he loves showing her off. He loves talking to her and making her smile and look at him. It's such a sweet thing to watch and I'm excited to see how there relationship will grow.

It's funny this time around I just want to see what she will do and learn naturally, without me pushing for the next stage. Sometimes I forget that I can still help her development along naturally. I realized last week that it might be fun for her to hold toys and things, and it turns out it helps a little in the car for her to have something to occupy her. We do our tummy time diligently and spend lots of time interacting and talking to develop her socially. I don't know why but I feel like she will be more serious and quieter than Julian. But probably just as dramatic. I think she will look like Dom but be like me.

So that's kind of everything about Nova's little life right now. I'm going to snuggle with my 3 month and two hour old girl and call this busy Thursday a day.

Thanks to everyone who has helped me/us make it this far, whether big or small. We love you.

Nova's Birth Story

It's been almost 3 months since Nova was born, so I wanted to share her birth story somewhere more for my own sake than anything else. I wrote this with more detail than I would normally give when talking about it because I am still amazed that I could do this and I don't ever want to forget a single detail of what this day was like. Beautiful, scary, maybe gross... but life-changing for sure.

On Tuesday June 2nd- our due date- I went into my doctors office for our check up. We had a sonogram which showed that baby was in position nicely and could be 7 lbs 9 oz give or take a pound. Then I had a non stress test which went just fine and showed some contractions here and there, which I had been feeling anyways for the last few days. Nothing really uncomfortable just noticeable for the first time ever. I decided I wanted my membranes swept, so we talked to a doctor about that and decided to go through with it. She checked my cervix and I was 1 cm dilated- that check hurt more than I thought it would!! Then she did the sweep and holyyyy that hurt so bad. It was like she put her hand into a huge mixing bowl and stirred it all around like crazy. So picture that- or maybe don't- but inside my cervix/uterus. The cramping and contractions began almost immediately and I was uncomfortable the whole ride home.

Contractions slowed down for the rest of the day but I was still uncomfortable. We had dinner to celebrate moms birthday so we hung out for that until it was time to snuggle in bed. I was exhausted so I was glad Julian was excited to go to bed with me haha. We lied in bed for a few hours being silly and talking, and I noticed around 9:30/10 that they were becoming regular and I had to focus on breathing and counting through them to relax. They were about 15 minutes apart at that point. I fell asleep around 11, woke up at 12:30 and noticed that they had stopped or I was able to sleep through them so I was disappointed because I was thinking they were the real deal. So I went back to sleep.

At 3:30 I woke up and had to pee, which woke Julian up. So we went together. I may have had a contraction then, and when I lied down in bed I felt something in my belly shift and then a gush of fluid came from me. I'm pretty sure I knew it was amniotic fluid and not pee or anything else that time. Immediately I started having much stronger contractions and they were already between 5 and 10 minutes apart. I sat in the shower for about 40 minutes to count them and see how I was doing and I think I had like 4 in that small amount of time. I putzed around while I waited for the doctor to call me back. When she did, she told me to head to the hospital so they could check it out. I was glad she said that because I really did "just know" (as everyone said I would) when to go.

We got the rest of our things together (in hindsight we overpacked) and got dressed. Of course our driver side window had been stuck down since Monday morning and it was so so cold out so the drive really sucked because not only was I contracting hard like every five minutes, I was so so cold I couldn't stop shivering.

We pulled up to the hospital at 5:58 and the valet came to get our car and brought us a wheelchair. I stood up from the car and completely peed and leaked fluid everywhere- all through to my pants. No one really told me how much I would leak all throughout labor haha.

We went up to L&D, got settled into a triage room and waited to be checked. It felt like forever that we sat there but they checked me and I was dilated to a 2 and water had definitely broken. So they admitted us and we went to our room! At this point it was probably like 7 and Dom went to sleep for awhile while I continued to contract.

At about noon I decided that the pain I’d been having for the past 9 hours was becoming more and more uncomfortable, so I decided to have a shot of pain medication through the port in my arm. I can’t say at what time intervals they continued to check my progress, but at some point my doctor decided I wasn’t progressing quickly enough. My nurses gave me the option of pitocin or a balloon to help dilation. I originally chose the balloon because of what I’d heard about pitocin and VBACs. My doctor thought pitocin would be better and started me on a very low dosage that ended up working pretty well. I remember crying because at that point my “unmedicated” birth had definitely been surpassed, but I was still really proud that it was only with little intervention that I made it so far. Looking back on it, I feel good about the decisions that were made because I never felt rushed or forced into making a decision, and I can’t say they didn’t help the process in a positive way.

By at least 5 or 6 pm I had become almost full dilated and Nova’s head was all the way into position. I was really in pain at that point, but my doctor and nurses said that I was too far along to receive more pain meds. It was almost time to push, and I certainly felt it.

The worst part of the whole day came next, while Nova’s head was pressing down and with every contraction came the urge to push. By this time, I wasn’t breathing through my contractions and I couldn’t manage my pain without acting like a crazy person. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t getting enough oxygen because I couldn’t feel my hands, legs or face while contractions were happening. I kept calling for nurses to check me to see if I was thinned enough to actually push, but they kept telling me that I wasn’t, and if I pushed I risked rupturing my cervix and needing surgery. So the thought of having to go through surgery after an entire day of successful laboring kept me from pushing at that point!

I think if there was any point where I was disappointed in my care, it would have been then. I couldn’t quite tell anyone what I needed but it seems like anyone could have stayed to help me breathe better or manage that amount of pain without medication. It was nice that we were pretty much laboring alone all day until that point, when I think both me and Dom would have loved some extra support. Neither of us knew what to do!

Finally the time came for me to try pushing- I think it was like 8:55 pm. I was really surprised by how difficult it was to push “right” and it definitely took a few tries to get it right. But the nurse that was to my right was so helpful in showing me how to get it right and she was full of encouragement when I actually did it right, so that was amazing.

And then, after about 30 minutes of pushing my Nova girl was born at 9:22pm.

If you’ve never had a baby come from “down there”, you won’t ever know what it’s like to feel all of your organs and insides move, or what legs and feet feel like as they move through your body like that. Crazy stuff, I tell you!

It was like someone had woken me from the dead. Energy that I hadn’t had all day filled me and gave me the strength to even open my eyes and hold my baby. I was filled with a joy that I had never felt before that undoubtedly healed the birth that I had with Julian. Of course he is who made me a mother and that relationship can never be replaced, but Nova’s birth was so empowering and amazing to me that as I finish writing this story 76 days after her birth, not a day has passed that I look at myself and my girl in awe of what we did.

We delayed cord clamping for at least a minute after she was born, while I held her and watched her take her first breaths and have a good cry. I remember asking over and over again if she sounded “normal” and healthy because I couldn’t even remember what about Julian’s cry indicated that something was wrong. She was perfect. Then her cord was clamped and cut, she was taken to be cleaned up and I’m assuming tested and measured, and my doctor finished up with me. (I needed some fixing up apparently)

I was so chatty and honestly silly while all of that was going on. My doctor, the nurses and a resident were all laughing with me at the stupid things I was saying. I vaguely remember wondering how people get their downstairs parts pierced. Guessing it seemed relevant at the time.

It's really interesting to go through the photos on my phone from that day/night because they tell the exact time they were taken, and in the first few hours of baby's life it seems like knowing the times that things occurred matter down to the very second. First photo, first time with dad, first feeding, first time sleeping, moving to post-delivery care. Getting changed into the going home outfit. It's all so important and I'm so glad I remembered to take pictures of every little thing so I would have it to look back on now, when it already seems too long ago that I first held my girl in my arms.

A few people asked me: c-section or "natural" birth? Pain, Nova was worse. Emotionally, Julian was worse. Recovery, they both SUCK. Why there isn't a 3rd option (Stork? Delivery truck?) is a mystery to me. Which would I do again? Nova's. But Julian's birth was important because I am certain that without the experience of his birth I wouldn't have advocated for and educated myself in preparation for Nova's birth. I truly think everything happens for a reason, and both of my babies are no exception.

Thanks for being born, Nova girl.

The Concept of Time

I remember my mother complaining that I had "no concept of time". I don't know what age I was exactly but I have a feeling it was about middle school when all I wanted to do was read books and didn't care if trading just one more chapter made me late or meant I was up til 3 am.

And now I am afraid that I am too conscious of time and what the hours on the clock and days on the calendar mean. Conscious to the point that an alteration to carefully planned days and sequences of events are sending me into a black hole of anxiety that will ruin even the most perfectly continued days. When 12 becomes 1 in my plan and then 1 becomes 2 and before I know it, nothing happened at the time I planned it to and everything has been ruined.

I think I can blame being a mother of a newborn, when schedules can make life easier and baby's needs are predictable depending on what time it is. My days revolve around feeding and pumping and while I'm not shy about feeding my baby whenever and wherever, it still takes planning to make things run smoothly.

One of the biggest shocks in having another kid has been the absence of quick trips and unplanned days. I got really good at deciding to go somewhere on a whim with my three year old in tow. Now it's not as realistic to believe we can be lounging on the couch one minute and halfway to our destination in another minute.

It feels like every minute, or at least every 15 minutes, counts. When there are so many things I want to do and so many things I need to do, it's hard to be ok when the plan goes awry. It's hard to just say "well, I'll be a little late now". I have no doubt that it's mostly me that holds my family to a standard of punctuality but in my mind I've not only ruined my day but someone else's because I couldn't just stick to the plan. And that bothers me immensely. The thought of inconveniencing someone because I'm late is just so bothersome that even if they assure me it's fine, I can't convince myself that it is.

So, the concept of time. I would love to have one more day without the concept of time. Maybe it's not so hard to forget about the have-to's. Maybe I should reconsider the things that I "want" to do that are actually stressing me out and just do what I want to do.

Time to stop writing, now. The clock says bedtime. 3 am feelings come too fast.

When does it get easier?

Nova pooped all over herself and her car seat while she was at my work today. You're welcome for the visual.

I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have the support of countless family and friends. I have an employer that understands and is flexible with the craziness that is my life right now. I have a partner in life who tries as hard as he can to make it easier for me because he knows i get caught up on the little things. And most of all I'm lucky to have two kids that are healthy and good and cute!! We have so much.

But when does it get easier? When will 95% of my days go off without a hitch (as opposed to an estimated 30%)? Is it just me that feels like every day is hard?

Even the days that I have something simple planned quickly become filled with little things to worry about and plan for and figure out. Even days that are ordinary and similar to the one before them feel like madness.

I can think of at least five things to blame the madness on. I'll even tell you what I think they are.

1- being a full-ish time employee

2- being a damn near full-ish time mom

3- having one kid that doesn't have childcare

4- only having 1 car but at least 2 work schedules to work with

5- having a touch of anxiety that strikes at all the wrong times and makes it hard to get through anything slightly stressful

I'm not really looking for an answer here because I know it never really gets easy. The ebb and flow of life promises easier times but with the ease of one situation comes the difficulty of another one, and so life is never completely easy. I'm just hoping someone can relate and hoping this helps someone who feels like it MUST just be them that feels the hardness of their life right now. I feel it, and yet I can still feel that it will get better in some ways.

Mallory + Zeke // Finger Lakes Family Photographer

Ok, this post makes 50% of my blog about breastfeeding and photography so far and I'm 100% ok with that. This is a huge part of my life right now and I'm glad to be documenting it for other people!

It was a pleasure photographing Mallory with her little bundle, Zeke, last week under some gorgeous light. I think she looks like a breastfeeding goddess!

Thanks for being perfect subjects :)

Breastfeeding is one of the best things about motherhood

Breastfeeding with Julian did not last very long. It wasn't my favorite. It felt inconvenient, daunting, and sweaty. Never unnatural, but just not good. I felt like I was always nursing and I didn't know that it was normal during the first weeks to feel like a dairy cow. Most every feeling you have about breastfeeding is shared with other moms out there, and it's ok to feel like it's harder than you thought. It IS hard! I don't know how women survived without all the resources and technology there is today, but I'm thankful that it's easy to find a breastfeeding community for support.

I'm thankful that this time around I'm more confident and relaxed about breastfeeding. There are days when I'm like GOD PLEASE LET SOMEONE ELSE FEED HER, but I wouldn't give it up for anything. It has its challenges but it really is one of the most beautiful parts of motherhood to this little girl so far.

This past Saturday I ventured down to the Ithaca Farmer's Market because there was a group of moms who wanted to get together in support of breastfeeding. Along with some other women there, I photographed them doing their thing, so I wanted to share some of the images I took!

Dear New Mom

Dear new mom,

I see you on Facebook and Instagram with your sweet pictures of your brand new baby. Maybe your captions are happy and smiley, maybe they hint at a hint of "blueness". Either way, welcome to the club. You're part of a group of women who know without asking or knowing. We know it's hard, we know you're trying so hard, and we know how you really are feeling. Especially those of us who are right in the throes of newborn-hood with you. I'm constantly surprised at the number of women that ask all the seemingly well-meant questions (how are you feeling, is she sleeping, what do you need, etc.) because they should know the answers. They should know you won't answer honestly 90% of the time. But I see you.

You might be one week into it, or four, or ten, and still feel like a shell of your former self. You might feel like a stranger to your own body, and wondering when your squishy belly and the extra fat in your cheeks will go away. It will go away. One day you will wake up and look in the mirror and smile because even though you don't look the way you used to, and you might have awhile to go until you have the body you want, you feel like you again. A softer, squishier, lived-in version of you that is just as beautiful as all of your most beautiful versions. High school you, college you, wedding dress you, honeymoon bathing suit you, and pre-mom you have nothing on the new version of yourself that is covered in drool, poop, spit-up, sweat, and tears. (Pick from that list which belongs to you and which is from baby.) And I know you know why the new you is best. You've seen the encouraging posts on social media about tiger stripes and growing a human inside of you. You're beautiful because you did the greatest, most beautiful thing a woman can do. You carried a baby and gave birth to it. You might have a scar to show for it, and that's beautiful too (even though it might not look quite so great right now).

One day your baby will sleep all night. Your baby will want to be held by someone other than you. Your baby will stop pooping in diapers. Your baby will be able to do things on their own.

As a mom of a three year old and a two month old, I'm here to say that things do change for the better. Every stage is a good stage because it's a chance to see your baby doing new things and getting smarter, stronger, and bigger. Yesterday my baby asked me to stand outside of the bathroom stall while he did his business. So while you might be wishing today that your baby would stop with the explosive poop thing, before you know it they will be closing the bathroom door in your face.

There are so many honest things I wish I could have heard before I had my first baby. Things in-person relationships didn't tell me, but things I learned later on from some amazing online communities of mothers. And now I want to be that for someone else too.

So dear new mom, I'm telling you that I hear you, I see you, and I know the things you are really feeling and needing. And I know it's hard to ask for and tell people those things. But it gets better, and you are doing an amazing job no matter how your day is going. Your baby loves you, and you should love you too.

Love,

Another "new" mom.

Dropping the ball

So I wrote my first post here last week, and since then I've been thinking of all the things I want to write about now that I'm "back" to blogging. I feel like there's too much to even choose from, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm sort of glad I didn't have this space when Nova was born because I was waaaay too emotional and crazy and no one should subject themselves to what was going on in my head at that point. So now that things have calmed down inside of me I can look at things with a little more rationale than before.

But I still have a small dose of crazy that is kicking myself in the ass for not doing this, forgetting to do that, dropping the ball on all these things that I pinned/thought of/saw somewhere that I wanted to do. I'm talking DIY knotted head wraps, newborn photo shoots, hospital photo shoot, freaking baby birth-day parties and gifts to and from Julian kind of shit. Just crazy stuff that only I'm beating myself up about. Thanks Pinterest and Instagram for making me even more mad at myself about everything than I already am.

Isn't it the worst? For nine (or if you're clueless like me, like seven) months you obsess over the cutest baby related things and make it your job to be an expert on birth plans, baby safety, newborn fashion, pregnancy fashion, must-have products, and all the things other moms are doing and thinking about. And of all the things you promise yourself you're going to do, how much of it happens? Personally, for every ten pf my baby-related pins, one of them was actually manifested in real life.

And that makes me feel like I failed at the newborn stage. There are only 48 hours of Nova's life that are spent in the hospital because I had just given birth to her, and I couldn't even manage to get someone to take the most gorgeous pictures of us?! I barley reminded Dom to get my phone to snap some when they placed her on my chest! Literally the worst mom ever.

I made one knotted headband, and I'm so bad at math and sewing that it doesn't even fit a dolls head.

You know what, though... I'm getting over it. Because while I may not have re-created photos I pinned or made all the cute newborn headbands, I took my own pretty photos with my iPhone, supported a small business and bought her some cute headbands, and am having fun making memories of Nova's first summer with us. I think I'll never really stop wishing I could check off all the things on my list. Someday these little things won't even matter. I'll have enough memories and photos and STUFF to represent all the things we DID do that I'll forget about the things I had planned in my head.

Thanks for reading my first real post back. Hopefully it wasn't too painful for you, I'm feeling a little rusty but glad to have this space to share my heart. It feels good already