Intention from Frustration

I think it happens to all creative people. Actually I think it happens to every person with any kind of aspiration. You're X, you see Y, want to be Y, but don't know how to be more than X. Don't know how to get there or why it't not happening faster. You're doing the right things, or so you think, and it's not happening.

It's silly because we all know how to really get better at anything: time and practice. Of course no one is a pro right off the bat. But it feels like everyone else but you is "making it" bigger and faster.

I think the key, at least with the things I'm aspiring to be and create, is to slow it down. Take the time to remember how I wanted something to look and figure out what I need to do to set it up for success. Pictures, designs, everything down to what cothes I buy. I'd like to stop getting things done and start doing them the way they feel good to me, and something I'm proud of later. Now that I'm writing this out I'm thinking of all the different things this is applying to in my life, and how much more I need to implement "intentional" into my daily life. So many days go by where I wear something just cause it's clean, eat some junky food just because I'm hungry and too lazy to cook, buy something just because I "need" something new.

And then it filters into my work. Which is what this post was originally about. Making a picture more exposed because it's dark, when I could play with the darkness that I originally captured. Designing something in a way that's predictable and easy. It's easy to do the first thing that comes to mind, but something magical happens when you pause. And think. Think about something differently than what you'd normally do. Maybe even use a mistake to your advantage and play with it until it isn't a mistake anymore. And if it still ends up being something you're not happy with, that's ok. The chances of making something out of nothing are too great to pass by.

So next time you're about to make an easy choice, think a little harder and with intention. Intention is what makes you better at what you're doing. It's what gets you closer to being/doing/having/creating that thing you've got in mind.

Side note** the picture above was chosen for two reasons: I took my time photographing Nova one morning when the lighting behind my house seemed perfect. And I was prtty happy with the results! ALSO because this girl is just so breathtakingly beautiful I can't help but share her.

About making pretty things and figuring yourself out

The title of this post is stupid but it's the only relevant thing I could think of. I almost called it "I don't have a title for this post" but that just sounds lazy. So instead I got real and told you exactly what you'll read about.

Last October I stopped blogging. I felt like crap (babies in utero do that) and felt like if the biggest thing happening in my life couldn't be shared online, nothing else could be either. I rarely posted on social media, I didn't even want to design for people anymore. Then I shared our news and felt better. I wanted to post more, I even wanted to get back to blogging but didn't want to be "that" blogger that just posts bump updates. I couldn't promise anything. And even though I felt pretty amazing physically and mentally, I didn't have the energy to make pretty things or explore creatively. I dragged my feet on every freelance project that came my way because at the end of a full day of creating at Image Agent, the last thing I wanted to do was look at the #5D5D5D colored screen. (Design people, do you see what I did there?)

Fast forward to now, and I'm busy busy with the exact kind of freelance work that I always secretly wanted to do. I even tweeted a few months ago about wanting to make pretty wedding invitations all day long. Well it's happening slowly but surely! I love my job at Image Agent (stay tuned for new things happening there) and might just work there until I die, but it's really fufilling to make the things I really want to be making. After putting a ton of energy into my clients and projects there all day and taking care of Julian and Nova (and our always messy house) when I get home, it's fun for me to put my energy into something that doesn't need a ton of love and attention and is all my own. I can do it when I feel like it-mostly- and it can end any time I don't have the time or energy. It can be as big or small as I have time for, and (bonus!) I can make a little extra money. Now if only I would start charging what I'm worth (eek!!).

It's scary to jump into something you love doing when it feels like everyone is doing it these days. It's so easy to look at someone and say "well, they're not realllly a ______" or "well she hasn't been doing it as long as me" or "she doesn't have ______ for her business so it's not a business". I know it because I've said those things in my head about other people and it's just not ok. So I figure if I'm saying it, then so is someone else and they might say it about me. So as I grow and learn about my passions I'm taking it slow, staying on the DL a little bit, but when someone asks me about my work I'm owning it and saying "Yes! I do that!". Does that make sense? I guess a balance of modesty and confidence is what I'm going for. Every time someone says "I didn't know you did this- you're great!" I gain a little more confidence to share it. Also, Instagram likes are fun.

Moving on to "figuring yourself out". It's fun, it's happening, and it's important. No just for moms but especially for moms. My whole life is thinking about what to buy them, do with them, do for them. I forget what I want to do with myself (besides take my sleepy, currenty twitchy eyes up to bed) and for myself. I don't want to be one of those middle aged moms who feels like they never got to follow their dreams and see where it lead them. I've re-sized my dreams to be realistic but they're nonetheless exciting and fun.

So hey, HIRE ME. Trust me to make pretty things for you, or if you don't need invitations or a photo shoot, be my cheerleader (Omi voice).

The Concept of Time

I remember my mother complaining that I had "no concept of time". I don't know what age I was exactly but I have a feeling it was about middle school when all I wanted to do was read books and didn't care if trading just one more chapter made me late or meant I was up til 3 am.

And now I am afraid that I am too conscious of time and what the hours on the clock and days on the calendar mean. Conscious to the point that an alteration to carefully planned days and sequences of events are sending me into a black hole of anxiety that will ruin even the most perfectly continued days. When 12 becomes 1 in my plan and then 1 becomes 2 and before I know it, nothing happened at the time I planned it to and everything has been ruined.

I think I can blame being a mother of a newborn, when schedules can make life easier and baby's needs are predictable depending on what time it is. My days revolve around feeding and pumping and while I'm not shy about feeding my baby whenever and wherever, it still takes planning to make things run smoothly.

One of the biggest shocks in having another kid has been the absence of quick trips and unplanned days. I got really good at deciding to go somewhere on a whim with my three year old in tow. Now it's not as realistic to believe we can be lounging on the couch one minute and halfway to our destination in another minute.

It feels like every minute, or at least every 15 minutes, counts. When there are so many things I want to do and so many things I need to do, it's hard to be ok when the plan goes awry. It's hard to just say "well, I'll be a little late now". I have no doubt that it's mostly me that holds my family to a standard of punctuality but in my mind I've not only ruined my day but someone else's because I couldn't just stick to the plan. And that bothers me immensely. The thought of inconveniencing someone because I'm late is just so bothersome that even if they assure me it's fine, I can't convince myself that it is.

So, the concept of time. I would love to have one more day without the concept of time. Maybe it's not so hard to forget about the have-to's. Maybe I should reconsider the things that I "want" to do that are actually stressing me out and just do what I want to do.

Time to stop writing, now. The clock says bedtime. 3 am feelings come too fast.

When does it get easier?

Nova pooped all over herself and her car seat while she was at my work today. You're welcome for the visual.

I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have the support of countless family and friends. I have an employer that understands and is flexible with the craziness that is my life right now. I have a partner in life who tries as hard as he can to make it easier for me because he knows i get caught up on the little things. And most of all I'm lucky to have two kids that are healthy and good and cute!! We have so much.

But when does it get easier? When will 95% of my days go off without a hitch (as opposed to an estimated 30%)? Is it just me that feels like every day is hard?

Even the days that I have something simple planned quickly become filled with little things to worry about and plan for and figure out. Even days that are ordinary and similar to the one before them feel like madness.

I can think of at least five things to blame the madness on. I'll even tell you what I think they are.

1- being a full-ish time employee

2- being a damn near full-ish time mom

3- having one kid that doesn't have childcare

4- only having 1 car but at least 2 work schedules to work with

5- having a touch of anxiety that strikes at all the wrong times and makes it hard to get through anything slightly stressful

I'm not really looking for an answer here because I know it never really gets easy. The ebb and flow of life promises easier times but with the ease of one situation comes the difficulty of another one, and so life is never completely easy. I'm just hoping someone can relate and hoping this helps someone who feels like it MUST just be them that feels the hardness of their life right now. I feel it, and yet I can still feel that it will get better in some ways.

Getting back into it

It's been awhile since I stopped keeping a blog, so after some consideration I've decided to get back into it. I have different goals, expectations, and no rules for myself. I'm going to use this place to keep track of myself and my life for me, and if someone feels like reading what I say then that's great too! I need a place to put my extra-long thoughts that Instagram and Facebook don't have a place for. The extended, un-cut version of my brain I guess.

There have been several times I wished I had a place to write in and several things I wanted to write about. Pregnancy, giving birth, and the first weeks of Nova's life mostly. But also 20 weeks of practicing yoga and having it change my life. Thoughts on relationships as I'm getting older. Things relating to creativity (or sometimes a lack of).

So this is it for now... I knew I needed to write something to just get started again, and here it is. A place for me to play and let me mind escape itself.